What Being a Woman Means to Me
Happy International Women’s Day, ya’ll!
Being a woman means always being stuck between the male and female role models in your life. You work like your father at the office, and like your mother at home. You want that promotion at work, but you also want your home to be beautiful. You want to do a boxing class but you also want to do a knitting class. And on some days when you’re really tired, you crave the aspirational luxury of becoming a trophy wife. Though that probably means a lot of work will go into your appearance and shopping. Probably not worth it. I have never seen one woman who can truly do it all.
Being a woman means always feeling like a bit of a misfit at the workplace. You are told you don’t need to work, and you can just financially depend on your family for life. You’re often in rooms full of men, who always seem slightly overtly aware of your presence. Many jokes are told over an evening drink, which you are unsure whether you should join despite being invited. You don’t want to invade their boy’s party, but you don’t want to miss out either. You are told to organize all the official office parties and events — because after all you like those kinds of things, so you volunteer to do them. But it is work, nevertheless. I have never seen one relaxed woman at the workplace.
Being a woman means having a lot of feelings. You aren’t always in control of them — your hormonal cycle does fluctuate and on some days you are more sensitive than others. You were allowed to cry from childhood, and somehow the tears come sooner to you. People tell you to ‘stop being emotional’, and you wonder why. Emotions help you, and they drive you. They help you control your anger and express yourself to others. Occasionally, a good cry in the bathroom clears your mind and you can go back to concentrating on the next task. Yet, you are sometimes embarrassed when you can’t control your tears. I have never seen one woman who wasn’t told she was too emotional.
Being a woman means always feeling a little cautious. If I talk too much to this person, will they think I’m interested in dating them? If I go to this college, will I be able to get home at a time my parents find acceptable? Will my clothes, hair, habits, religion and food be brought up if I get raped? Nothing much has happened to you, but it could. When you get a job in Delhi, your best friend calls your mom to convince her that you can manage living alone in Delhi. After all, the memory of Nirbhaya is still fresh. But your sister doesn’t need to convince your parents a few years later, and you are glad that things are easier for her. I have never met one woman who did not think it was her responsibility to ensure her own safety.
Being a woman means waiting for the day you get married. Your marriage planning gets spread over longer than people think. It starts with the way you choose a career to you how you groom yourself until it culminates to the point where you are actually planning the events of your wedding. You smugly note that you get more gifts than your husband at your wedding, and think to yourself — well, I deserve it. After your marriage, your parents suddenly don’t interfere that much in your life. In their eyes, you are finally grown up, and you’ve hit a milestone. I have never met one woman who wasn’t transformed by the very prospect of getting married.
Being a woman means being given only one chance. Yes, today’s world is such that you must be given a chance. If it doesn’t happen organically, you will get a formal or informal reservation. After all, it looks good to have women at the forefront of any organization. Your colleagues made snide remarks about you — ‘Of course, she got more marks in the UPSC interview because she’s a mother of two.’ — forgetting that you also wrote UPSC mains when you were 7 months pregnant. When you fail, the conversation automatically gets gendered as if people were waiting for you to mess up. I have never met one woman who wasn’t questioned for her achievements.
Being a woman means having the closest friendships. You regularly try to plan all-girls trips where you can all relax together. You meet your core group of girlfriends once a week and you sit and just talk for 4 hours at a stretch. You send 10-minute-long voice notes to your friends about a minor inconvenience you faced today, never once wondering if they are disinterested. When you argue, they send you long complex apologies the next day, once the heat has cooled down. They are scattered around the world, but they always have your back. I have never met one woman who didn’t believe in girl power.
Being a woman means being confused about feminism. Of course, you want gender equality, but you don’t know how to actually get it. You can’t keep explaining that feminism is equality, because obviously nothing equal can have ‘female’ in its name (Though of course ‘madam sir’ and ‘chairman’ can be used to refer to women). When you talk about domestic violence, you are reminded that women misuse S.498A against other women. Aurat hi aurat ki asli dushman hai. You wonder how you can logically be held responsible for the unknown actions of unknown women, and anecdotal is too fancy a word for this party, so you shut up.
When you are along with your girlfriends, you rant about men. You’re angry with the kind of privilege they get in this world and are unable to see. You want to enjoy yourself and be happy and free in this world that belongs to you too. You don’t want to start an underground movement. Yet, you are called a feminazi.
Are these things related to being a woman or simply a person in this world? Well, I don’t know. I have never been a man. In any case, since it’s certain that ‘not all men’ can be included in any category, I guess all women can’t be too.
Happy International Women’s Day! It fills me with joy to imagine all the women out there trying to find their place in the world. More love and luck to you all.
